Miss Mare’s Etiquette for Drinkers

     I consider myself to be a polite person.  I was raised in the Midwest where simple, good manners were expected.  I was married to an Englishman.  I say “please” and “thank you” regularly.  I’ve even added the southern-born “sir” and “ma’am” suffixes to my salutations – something that works extremely well on Jacksonville cab drivers and any man who is lifting a heavy object or snaking a drain at my behest. 

    Apparently, I was NOT polite when I was a drinker.  I’ve heard this from a number of folks, now that they think it’s safe to say so.  For those of you who are still knocking back the spiked punch, here’s Miss Mare’s Five Rules for Drinking Politely:

          1.  Be on Time: In The Bahamas, “I’ll be right there,” could mean within two hours or NEVER           depending on what was happening (and drunk) along the way to a destination.  Being on time is about being respectful.  Call at least.  For God’s sake – you know how to drunk dial, right?

          2.  Don’t be Critical/Mean:  Resist the ironic skewering of the unfashionable.

          3.  Do not Fall Asleep in a Stranger’s Lap:  When the cumulative effect of a night’s worth of drinks HITS like a ton of bricks – GO HOME.  ALONE.

          4.  Consider Tolerance:  I was once accused of singlehandedly closing a stage play.  Suffice to say my inebriated sighs and the OBVIOUSLY bored rustling of my program and evening clothes, sent a negative message from the dress circle.  I might also have said aloud, “My GOD, who WROTE this?”

          5.  Think of the Consequences:  When I was drinking I had a periscope focus.  What happened around me and what was going to happen as a result of my douche-baggery was of no consequence to me. Care, people.  Care.

*****

     I don’t expect you to follow these rules, by the way.  And you’ll notice I didn’t include the Rule that is IMPOSSIBLE for any real drinker to follow:  Tell the Truth…