The day before yesterday I found myself with my hands in the prayer position, preparing to genuflect, and saying the words, “I beg you…” to a trio of Azerbaijani moving men. Their truck (filled with a portion of my employer’s belongings) was stuck half way up and half way down the steep driveway, and they were refusing to unload it or go back for the rest of the vital furnishings: beds, étagères and important gewgaws. It was 100 degrees, threatening to rain and the “move in ready” house was full to the rafters (there was actually a guy doing something with a power tool on a rafter) with workmen – hammering, painting and grumbling like a troupe of Pigpens – a cloud of plaster dust in their wakes…
At some point in our standoff (me looking like one of those velvet paintings of the big eyed child with a single tear), one of the movers said, “Oh, let’s just get this done.” I was so grateful, I would have washed and kissed all six of their feet if they had not been busy carrying heavy objects up a 45 degree grade…
I have had a few trials in getting my project completed. I am helping to get a beach house ready for renters, who arrive blithely this morning. If it seems to anyone like this was a seamless undertaking, IT WAS NOT. I have been grateful for my sobriety every day on this job, because if I was drinking I would surely have killed somebody with a Dewalt XRP drill-driver…
As it turned out, I am instead providing helping hints to those who might have a personal cross to bear at work. These tips can be used in any difficult situation involving human beings who are stupid, mean or who continually screw up their faces and say things like, “The moving van is stuck? I could of told you that truck would get stuck in this driveway – it’s too long.”
Sober Mare’s Handy Hints for Dealing With Tricky Situations at Work
1. Pray. There are certain times when it is okay to say, “Please God. Please let the plumber get out of his truck and install the garbage disposal, I beseech you to find the tile guys sponges. And God if you hold off on the rain until they finish the front porch I promise I will volunteer at the city mission or wear my rosary like a necklace for the rest of the summer….”
2. Beg. See the paragraph above with the tragic, tearful feet washing offer…
3. Lower Your Expectations. Somebody has got to make the decision to put the pets off the life-raft and into the ocean, when the boat is overcrowded and taking on water. The time comes, in the crunch, when it is humanly impossible to remove a family of birds from the chimney, and install decorative curtain rods (who wants to obscure that view anyway, right?).
4. Find Something to Laugh About. Ass cracks are funny, especially when a particularly odious guy is contorted under a sink. It is also helpful to go around a corner, place one’s thumbs in one’s ears, flutter the fingers and stick out the tongue (especially if the finger fluttering is directed at someone who could and would snap you in two without aforethought if they saw you…)
5. Be a Lady (or a Gentleman). If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, Then you’ll be a Man my son…
6. Do not drink. These are the times when the thoughts of drinking are far better than the actuality of drinking. In 110 degree heat, with tempers on edge and deadlines being missed like court appointments. A clear head is the only way to survive without picking up a miter saw like Lizzie Borden and snapping in a battery from one of those omnipresent chargers plugged into the walls of otherwise finished rooms…
Today I’m not drinking because I am finished (sort of) with my project…