Drug Testing – What to Expect

Pills and capsules on white

I had a drug test yesterday. I feel pretty sure I aced it. This morning I read that most employers request a standard drug screen, which tests for signs of marijuana, cocaine, phencyclidine, amphetamines and opiates. If you haven’t been drug tested recently, and think (like the old days when I heard you could tuck a zip lock bag of clean urine into your pants pocket) there is any way to cheat the test, I am here to tell you it is not possible.


They Do Not Mess Around…

The place was jammed. It was like everybody in Jacksonville decided to beat the heat by heading to the air conditioned confines of the diagnostics lab. Hey kids, we could go to Adventure Landing, or we could go pee in cups today…


When I made it to the inner sanctum, the nice lady with the rubber gloves had me take everything valuable out of my purse, put it in a lock box and stow my bag in a drawer. She had me choose a plastic wrapped cup from a bin, disassembled the contents (which looked like a toy chemistry set) and handed me a small beaker.


She patted me down and escorted me to the bathroom, which was a couple feet away, shot some blue die in the toilet and told me to wash my hands. There was an awkward moment when we stood looking at each other. I was thinking, “Is she staying? Like in prison?” She told me to fill the container to at least the black line (“Are you kidding? I’ve been sitting in your waiting room, holding it for two, entire Judge Karen episodes”). When I was finished, I was not to flush the toilet or wash my hands and to bring my specimen (which I am happy to report looked like spring water) back to her. Just like the SAT’s – I had 10 minutes to complete this test.


There was some sluicing of bodily fluids from the beaker to a small test tube with a snap top, I was handed a wet nap, I signed papers and labels, the urine went into a sealed bag, and off I went. I was totally calm and collected the whole time (other than the moment I thought she was going to watch). It was a great feeling to know I was clean and sober, with unimpeachable piss.


When I first got out of college, I applied for a job at Spenser Gifts: the store that sells vibrating panties, bucket hats, and fun pajamas. I had to take a lie detector test. I was shaking so uncontrollably with anticipated guilt, the tester asked me if I wanted to go through with it. But I was young and foolish so I said, “Yes.” The first question he asked after setting the baseline was, “Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?”

I said, “No.”

He glanced up, eyebrows raised (I’m sure the test tape looked like the Himalayas) and asked, “Have you ever dropped acid?”

And then the fun began…


I’ll admit I’m a late bloomer. But I’m learning that a drug free, alcohol free and deception free life is, well, freeing.


Today I’m not drinking because you never know when someone may check your urine…


How come you’re not drinking?