Dog Napping or Dognapping?




Either way, I’m not paying the ransom.

I was speaking with Lisa yesterday. She told me that dognapping is on the rise. Her son’s two French Bulldogs were stolen from his yard a month ago and the culprits sent a ransom note demanding $1,500. It was neatly typed, enclosing a SSAE and an affidavit renouncing any claim to further action.

What happened to those cool, creative, hand pasted dictums from the movies? Enclosing a paw and a burner phone, they say things like:


I’m not sure I have the detail orientation to be a dognapper. As you can see, the note is derived solely from trashy fan mags and lacks important instructions…

I’ve told you that I bought Fiona in an alcohol fueled, empty-nest inspired haze. She is a mischance: an animal so unspontaneous and malformed people laugh aloud when on the rare occasion she wakes long enough to go for a meander (incessantly scratching at the chronic skin condition I have spent far more than $1,500 to remedy).

The vet has actually suggested braces for her under bite…

Fiona and I have a relationship much like the Grinch and Max. She is cautious of my idiosyncrasies; I allow familiarity until there is slobber involved.

To those would-be abductors who think someone foolish enough to pay three large plus airfare for a mangy cur would pay ransom, I fear I’ll disappoint. Suffice to say I will not enclose a check. Fiona eats organic, venison and brown rice formula dog food with a dollop of Greek yogurt on top. She answers to her name and likes to sleep on French-silk ticking. She is allergic to dust, grass, air and Fabreeze.


Today I’m not drinking because I’m packing Fiona’s belongings for the dognappers…

How come you’re not drinking?