Ellie told me a story last night. A vignette about her sister Evie, who was mentoring a group of three-year olds at their school. She said Evie asked one little girl, “What color is an apple?” The little girl said, “Red.” Evie said, “Good. What color is the grass?” “Green!” said the little girl. Evie said, “Great. Now, what color is the sky?” The little girl said, “Gray.”
When you’re expecting the answer “blue”…
Ellie and Evie live farther north than me, so this is sort of an Up North joke. Ellie told it to make me laugh and cheer me up. But instead, it got me thinking about reality vs. perception. Apparently, the teacher stepped in and said, “Yes dear, our sky is gray right now, but the answer is ‘blue’. From now on you should answer ‘blue’”.
And that’s how it begins, right? You are little – you give the correct answer – and someone in authority tells you a “better” answer to the question. And against your A+ judgment, you file it away with a dollop of resentment. Hokay, I’ll say the sky is blue, but it’s GRAY. And from that day forward you are insecure on multiple choice tests. I can still remember how I felt when my Kindergarten teacher (coincidentally named Mrs. Blue) told me all clouds were white. And made me paint them white. That is why I am an alcoholic, and not a famous painter…
When the blues makes you human…
Ellie went on to tell me that her dad, who was a great friend of mine, thought my blue periods made me seem more “real”. But the problem with depression is that you see gray skies, even when they are blue. And no one in authority can change your mind… Ellie says when her dad told her it was okay to be happy one moment and sad the next, it made her feel like she had been given permission to be “the entirety” of herself and still be loved.
I’m ashamed to say my response was a tepid, “You don’t have to be strong all the time, I guess.” Hardly a rousing doctrine from a “role model” to a teenaged girl. The fact is, I hate weakness in myself.
So, for all the little kids Up North who can see the sky is GRAY. And for me. because I have weathered the storm… And for Ellie and Evie, because their dad told them to “look up”, but not to fool themselves into believing it’s always a cloudless blue up there…
http://https://youtu.be/sGZDwxnjG1g?list=RDsGZDwxnjG1g