The 7 Reasons Recovering Alcoholics Drink Club Soda

Laura was sitting on the couch watching Orange is the New Black with Lauren and me, and there was an AA meeting scene (one of the inmates had gotten a little too dependent on her handmade moonshine). Laura turned to me and asked, “Why do you guys drink Club Soda? I mean is there a reason every recovering alcoholic drinks soda or tonic with a twist?” She went on to say she immediately assumes, when someone orders gassy water or tonic during happy hour, they are alcoholics.

Oh-oh. They’re on to us.

When I am out during cocktail hour, I too drink gassy water with a splash of cranberry in a wine glass. (Something that looks horrifyingly like white Zinfandel), but based on my research, there is no physical reason for recovering alcoholics to drink the stuff. We do not somehow process soda water differently or get a super-secret buzz.

As Far as I Can Tell, the 7 Reasons Alcoholics Drink Club Soda Are:

  1. A night on the town is a big yawner drinking tap water
  2. Pop is unhealthy. There is sugar or fake sugar in soft drinks and we do not want to become addicted to something else. Also, I saw the video where the guy cleaned rust off a truck bumper with cola and a rag and I feel like I’ve put my body through enough
  3. We are trying to “fit in” and we’ve been told a tall glass of soda or tonic water with lime looks like a vodka drink
  4. The closest thing to the feel of a real drink is concocted with gassy water. Orange juice and soda in a champagne glass seems like a mimosa to me, but without the car chase
  5. Fruit juice is fattening and there is only so much you can drink in one sitting without feeling like your teeth are fuzzy
  6. You can drink A LOT of soda or tonic without feeling bloated or fuzzy toothed. One of the things I have noticed about sober “partying” is that alcohol drinkers stay. FOREVER. When you are settling in for the long haul with non-sober friends, it is nice to have something to do with the hands.
  7. Soda or tonic water does not get us drunk

I still look surreptitiously at my watch at about hour two…



Laura and Lauren on a wine-run – picking up Club Soda for moi …

Today I’m not drinking because I’ve found Club Soda!

How come you’re not drinking?