I had a Pop-Tart for breakfast yesterday and two glasses of wine last night.
This post may seem baffling, confusing and downright triggering. Also, I understand that there are people in recovery who do not have the option of taking another drink – it would literally kill them. If this affects you at all in a negative way, I’m truly, truly sorry.
For those who know me personally, you may be really shocked to learn I had a Pop-Tart for breakfast. I did and I didn’t beat myself up.
And to those who have followed this page for alcohol free inspiration and sober success stories, you may feel like I’m full of sh**.
Even my husband was like, “I feel you would be fake if you didn’t share this part of your journey.” And I said…”you’re right.”
- I mean, wasn’t it just this week that I posted a quote from Buddha sharing how I’m so glad I’m not wasting time with alcohol anymore? Yep, same lady over here.
- Didn’t I post last summer how I enjoyed a beach vacation without alcohol? Yes, that’s me.
- Haven’t I promoted podcast interviews and appeared on live television interviews about the benefits of not drinking and espousing the need to keep the commitment you make to yourself?
Yes. I am that same person.
The real reason why I’m sharing this with you is that I have received a lot I MEAN A LOT of messages just this week alone from women who are confused.
- They are from women who work with individuals in early recovery.
- They are health educators and work in prevention – “going around to schools and teaching about the dangers of drugs and alcohol”
- They are women who say they “feel sooo much better” when they don’t drink but “really want to have a glass of wine from time to time”
“Two very divergent and strong feelings.”
I get it. It’s confusing to have conflicting thoughts on things.
I still believe in all the benefits of being alcohol free. I’m not consumed with shame, guilt or anxiety. I wish I could say I realized it was all a huge mistake and I’m a piece of crap and the public hanging will be held in town square at noon. But I’m honestly completely fine with where I’m at.
Now, I know enough about myself that – even thought I slept fine last night and didn’t wake up with dread about feeling like a failure – I don’t feel this gives me permission to stop doing the things that make me feel good about myself.
(like eating a healthy breakfast, avoiding alcohol, maintaining a gratitude journal, etc.)
It’s important to note that when I do drink a lot, my anxiety and depression skyrockets. My skin breaks out and I experience bouts of insomnia. So, it’s not like I plan on making a habit of this. I don’t want to go back to drinking for every reason under the sun – celebration, boredom, sadness, etc. And I’m not going to.
I still will make being alcohol free a priority for myself. I’m a better version of myself when I’m not drinking.
And I’m certainly not going to make it a habit of eating Pop-Tarts for breakfast every morning.
But above all else I want to be authentic and show up and share my messiness with you. I’m not perfect yet I tend to share posts that reflect my good choices – and downplay (or omit altogether) my not so good choices.
My decision on why I chose to drink I think is the least interesting thing about this post. But rather, I’m presenting this to you as a way to say I think it’s o.k. and perfectly human to be conflicted about consuming alcohol – no matter the amount, the occasion or reason.
It’s funny because, while I’m not ashamed of my choices yesterday (I think this is a direct result of all the work I’ve been doing around limited beliefs, negative thinking and self-love), I have been struggling whether to share this.
I literally thought “Gabby Bernstein or Holly Whitaker would never ever do this.”
But I’m neither of those women.
The thing that made me feel it was important to share this is I just came back from a two hour coffee date with two friends. We were honest and raw about a lot of things. We didn’t show up to put our best feet forward – to tick off the list of things we did right this week. We didn’t apologize for feelings of anxiety or frustration or exhaustion as parents. We showed up to be honest. And I think we all left feeling a lot lighter, a lot freer and that we are not alone.
We didn’t pick each other apart. Or point out the negatives. We were just there together and just honest.
a complicated, complex human who sometimes chooses things in the face of knowing they aren’t great for me. Nice to meet you.
I’ve enjoyed a career in public relations my whole life so I feel I always need to close with some sort of call to action. In this instance, could I ask you to let go of something you are feeling guilty for? Could I challenge you to sit with a friend and share your imperfections? I think you’d both leave feeling more connected and a little lighter.
