It occurred to me that alcoholics are oftentimes like those lovable grifters from children’s books who come to stay when mom’s away and cause trouble. The Cat in The Hat springs to mind, or the annoying moose who, when given a free muffin, demands jam and a washcloth and the change from your piggy bank.
IF YOU GIVE AN ALCOHOLIC A DRINK AT A PARTY:
* He’ll want another. If you give him another drink;
* He’ll smile and thank you and kiss you on the cheek and ask for another. If you give him another drink;
* He’ll drink it quickly, turn the glass upside down on the bar with a smack; make you laugh and ask for another. If you give him yet another drink;
* He’ll begin to expound on a topic he knows little about and ask for another drink. If you give him that drink;
* He will stand on the white, linen tablecloth with muddy feet. He’ll ask for another drink. If you give him a drink or refuse him another drink;
* He’ll start to get angry. He will climb down from the table and notice the mud and try to wipe it with a napkin and spill a glass of red wine. ( Now the mud is all gone but the wine – what a mess!) He won’t ask for another drink;
* He will stagger to the bathroom and throw up or fall down (or reapply lipstick till she looks like Al Jolson on a bad night). When he comes out he won’t ask for another drink, he’ll sneak another drink, or finish the dregs from a few stray glasses;
* He’ll say, “I’M LEAVING!” and people will take his car keys and there will be a scene and he’ll throw a tepid punch or two. People will whisper…
* He will sit in a chair and stew. He will be angry at the person who came with him and the bartender and the old college roommate he hasn’t seen in ten years;
* He’ll fall asleep and his head will nod and he might drool.
When you give an alcoholic a drink at a party, ALL THIS MIGHT HAPPEN!