I quit drinking!!!
Think about that. I had a three bottle of wine a day habit that consumed my life, and I found a way to quit. Let’s not talk about how I quit drinking, or even why. Let’s talk about how I feel about quitting drinking. Why am I not shouting it from the rooftops and breaking into song and dance? It seems, when I think about it, like something to crow about. Why am I not feeling like a winner?
This post might be influenced by the eight hours of Ted Talks I listened to on my long drive yesterday. It might be influenced by the Tony Robbins segment, where the scratchy-voiced pundit of all things empowering, snippily told us to “just go out there and GRAB” the life we wanted, and that we had the power within us to change our lives for the better.
My euphoria to march out with a banner and take control of my life was short lived. This morning, I don’t feel empowered at all. I feel hamstrung and scared. As I write this, there is a bag of garbage at my feet. I drag it around with me most days. It is full of the mistakes I have made. It is brimming with memories…
Go into any AA meeting in the country and you will see the bags of trash recovering alcoholics tuck under their seats like carry-on luggage. No one becomes an alcoholic without a few painful stories to tell, and I feel like that is what still defines me. My pain. I am happy to be sober, but I’m afraid to be proud. I have faced my demons, but I still skulk about like a thief. People tell me all the time I am brave, but I feel like a frightened child. Does anybody else still feel that way?
Because that is not an empowering way to live.
So Tony Robbins, today I am going to be a little less hard on myself: a little less analytical. I’m going to the dump. I am going to walk proudly. If anyone asks me why I don’t want a drink I shall look them in the eyes, smile a big (mad?) smile and shout, “Because I QUIT DRINKING! Aren’t I AMAZING?”