I woke with a sense of dread. Does that ever happen to you? I ate a handful of chocolate chips last night (maybe more than a handful…) and when I opened my eyes this morning I thought, “I am a bad person. I am a chocolate chip guzzler. I am not destined for greatness.”
Obviously I have extrapolated wrongly, but that’s what I do. Something small goes wrong, like I’m waiting to do designated driver duty and I go to Lauren’s freezer and grab the frozen chocolate fragments when I am eschewing sugar, and everybody knows that (just like driving a car after the bars close) opening a freezer after midnight is suspicious, and it all goes to hell in a hamper…
So I’m disappointed with myself (and the whole world). Dread is really amplified disappointment. It will pass, I’ll get some exercise, drink a lot of water. I will settle back into the low grade boredom of a life without vices. I will find joy in a blade of grass. I will dare to eat a peach. Just not at this moment, when the world seems too frightening, when I’m hesitant to tiptoe into the fray.
According to Google, I am not alone. It’s got a name: Early Morning Anxiety. I found a chat room at AnxietyZone.com where people speak of this malady. They all use the word “dread”. For example (with a red pen), I can relate to this entry:
When my anxiety is really bad I wake up with this awful feeling of worry/dread even without reason. This is accompanied with night sweets. Its getting to the point that I no longer enjoy sleeping. It would be good to hear Im not the only one going through this.
Except, now I’m wondering if “Newbie” meant night “sweats” instead of “sweets” and I am laughing because I think she wakes with wet sheets and not melted chocolate on the pillowcase.. And I feel better.
I feel better.