Do I Look Fat in this Collar?


I’m going to say it again – I’m more like Cruella de Vil and less like Diane Fosse. No one would ever accuse me of being overly kind to animals and although I really do love Fiona, Lauren says I am erratic in my behavior towards her. Apparently I am either super nice or so unreasonably demanding I have made her “neurotic”.

Fiona has gained weight. I took her to the groomer and when I walked in I asked, “Do you guys think she’s gotten fat?” The looks on their faces were stricken – as if I’d said something mean about a toddler, or pointed out someone’s cellulite on Instagram. I said, “What, am I supposed to say – ‘she’s curvy’? Or wait till she leaves the room? I don’t think she knows I am talking about her.”

The groomer said, “She’s gotten a bit thick,” like she’s a rapper’s girlfriend. So I guess I messed up again with Fiona’s “feelings.” I suppose this doesn’t have anything to do with drinking or not drinking, but remember, Fiona is the product of an alcoholic owner, and I am still trying to make amends to her for all the times I was an intolerant, tipsy “dog-parent”. It’s funny, but since Fiona has been living with Lauren, she’s become more balanced – and you can say what you will about dogs not remembering things, but every time I put her in my car, she looks at me like, “I am not going back to Georgia with you…”

Good dog, Fiona. Good dog…

From the Archives:

Snowed-In With My Thoughts (and a Dog Who Hasn’t Pooped in Three Days)

Today I’m not drinking because I’m trying to be more sensitive to  Fiona’s “feelings”.

How come you’re not drinking?