I’m Solitary Sober… What Kind of Sober are You?

I guess, if I were being honest, I’d have to say I am the kind of person who enjoys being alone in a remote cabin in the woods. I am writing from one now. If you met me, you would not think of me as some solitary, grizzly gal. I shave my legs, I carry on lively conversations when needs be. I can even be the life of a party if I put my mind to it…

But since I got sober, I enjoy my solitude even more…

I used to start all my drinking stories with “I ended up,” As if I were cast ashore by a tempest or airdropped into the calamities that befell me. As if I were not responsible for my misadventures – tossed in by a capricious God. But since I got sober, I take full control of my actions and full culpability for my frailties. It is freeing and a bit disarming.

Kind of like the time I was getting ready to move from our first house and I was packing up the attic. I found boxes and suitcases full of my husband’s old socks and dented golf balls. In the seven years we had lived on Lamplighter Lane, he had never thrown away a pair of argyles or a golf ball. He was a box-keeper. I suppose it’s better than bags of human hair, but you think you know someone…

What about when you surprise yourself?

It’s weird enough when the surprising behavior happens with someone else, but what if you surprise yourself? The fact is, that after all I have read about “the opposite of addiction being connection’, I want to be alone. Not all the time. It’s not like I am a recluse or even want to wear animal skins and hole up and grow my finger nails like Howard Hughes.

But after a long day at the office, or after a vacation where I am with family or friends 24/7, I want (need) to slink off somewhere solo and recharge. I don’t want to have to apologize for that.

So how does it fit with my sobriety?

But how does this work with my sobriety? Isn’t someone frowning right now into their tablet and thinking, Oh boy – she’s headed for a fall… Isolation is the bugaboo of the addicted set. You cannot be sober and isolated. Cabin in the woods? Alone? Kiss of death… Get thee to a meeting…

But remember naysayers, there are many paths to recovery. And there is a big difference between isolation and solitude. I’ve written about it, so I know. If you are an introvert or a loner, sobriety can be an additional challenge. But in taking responsibility for my actions, I have also accepted my idiosyncrasies. It feels to me like the definition of “recovery” and it does not preclude social time or group meetings.

Careful…

For the solitary, grizzly sober folk, the key is routine and forced community. Does that sound like an oxymoron? And we must never go off the grid or not be available by email or phone. Periods of solitude should be limited and the recovery tools that serve everyone else with a substance use disorder, are particularly important. I have yet to stay in a remote cabin that doesn’t have a “secret” booze cabinet, for example. The evil little devil on the shoulder can whisper in your ear, “Who would know?” And who, but you, would hear?

Most importantly, I do not recommend a stint alone in the woods for the newly sober. Why test yourself? You’ve been through a lot…

As I navigate this sober life, I learn more about myself every day. I like the fact I can tell the world I am content all by myself. I am thrilled I have finally begun to understand what makes me tick (speaking of cabins in the woods…). And I am confident I have developed the tools to do what I like, but also mitigate my natural tendencies to isolate.

At least I don’t hoard old socks…