The Post-Holiday Blues…

SUNRISE in the Georgia mountains in January… No wonder I’m depressed…

This blog started out as a daily journal to keep myself honest about my problems with drinking.  I really didn’t think about the byproduct – helping others – until I started getting emails and comment from those who were suffering.  I now have several friends on 30 day hiatuses from drinking and a group of people who keep in touch with me regularly to make sure I’m okay. I find myself dispensing advice and occasionally being a little horrified by the things some folks have done to get a buzz (at least I didn’t drink perfume or mouthwash for heaven’s sake).

I get comments all the time from people who say they admire my honesty. I feel the need to tell you about the black hole I’ve been in since the holiday, in case somebody out there is feeling the same..

Physician heal thyself…

It’s gray here.  All gray and dead tree trunks sprouting up to an unforgiving sky. There are clouds at eye level and they settle like a sunrise in reverse, first thing in the morning. It is the dawn of a new year with the memory of the warmest Christmas holidays still a fresh torment. I feel tired – like opening the orange juice is too much movement for a day so dismal…

Yesterday, I looked in the freezer and this is what I saw nestled on one of the shelves (like a forgotten babe tucked in its manger) – think spectral light and that, WHHHHAAAA of a trilling chorus, when I saw it.

I have never drunk gin.  Not even a sip, but after I saw it (mind you there are five bottles of wine on the rack) there was a little voice in my head that kept saying, “What would it hurt? You don’t even like gin, and there’s just a little bit in the bottle so there’s no danger you’re going to get drunk…  No one will know.”

You can picture the cartoon cloud and the little devil poking me with an elbow chummily, right?

The little devil in my head is the reminder that I am not free of this horrible thing called alcoholism.  That I can never be glib or too enthusiastic about my sobriety…

While I was trying to still the voices in my head, Kim called to see how I was doing.  She asked if I was lonely and when was I coming home.  I wasn’t 100% honest Kim, I wasn’t feeling alright, but the call helped and I didn’t drink the Gin because I’d know…

This morning I woke up and chastised myself aloud. “Get your ass up and finish the writing assignments people have PAID you to do.  You were not at the Golden Globes, but you lead a remarkable life.  It’s warmer today – you will take Fiona for a long walk (to say Fiona is a scintillating companion would be kind, by the way).”

Then I thought, “And you won’t throw away the gin. But you won’t drink it. And you will get to a Hiawassee AA meeting today, and you will invite the neighbors for lunch and you’ll make sure you do the Pilates tape twice and you’ll go to the art galleries in Clayton and go get fireplace logs and maybe sort out the basement and drag the final tree from Christmas to the garage…”

It’s feast or famine with me…

Anybody else struggling?