I went to a free concert at Meijer Gardens on the 4th of July with Cindy. She seems to be witnessing a few of my sober “firsts”. This time, it was at an outdoor, camp-chair, picnic basket kind of concert. I haven’t been to one of those sober before. In fact, an outdoor concert (once I recced the toilets) was always an opportunity for drunken disorderliness on my part. Where better to get pie-eyed, than a pot-holed, minefield of folding chairs, wrinkled blankets and loose detritus?

Concert Going Drunk…

In the past, I would have had a glass of wine or four as I packed the cheese and crackers. I’d happily pour the better part of a bottle of wine into a thermos “roadie” and find a clever way to hide more wine on my person. Once we got settled, I’d locate the open bar and buy three, bad wines at a time – spilling booze as I teetered over the lawn with three Dixie-cups smashed together.

I can remember the slightly desperate feeling of having to go to the bathroom (all that liquid), but feeling unsteady. How was I going to pull myself up out of the folding chair two inches from the ground? Eyeing a path through the blankets and Yetis and hoping I wouldn’t lose my tenuous balance – land on someone’s bucket o’ chicken. Or turn an ankle.

I’d leave the food untouched, flinch at the first sip of concert wine like I was taking medicine. And then it wouldn’t taste so bad. I’d get sleepy, grumpy and bored. Sounds like three of Snow White’s most unpleasant dwarfs, right? And at some point I’d hate the band or my hair or the person I was with. I’d pick a fight.

That was me, summer concert drunk…

Concert Going Sober…

So, on the 4th I entered the bandstand area, minding my own sober business, carrying our snacks in a big, blue insolated bag. And a very nice man wearing an apron and a sun hat said, “Would you like some drink coupons?”

I said, “No thanks.”

He said, “Are you sure? There’s wine and beer!”

I said, “No thank you.” I even smiled sweetly. Ask Cindy.

We walked past him and he tried again, like he was on commission, not a volunteer, “It’s delicious wine and beer and these are discount tickets!”

I said loudly over my shoulder, “I’m an alcoholic!”

He looked so crestfallen, I kind of felt badly for him. But then I thought of all the people who were new to recovery and struggling a bit, going to their first sober concert and this kindly idiot was forcing drink tickets on them. So I said to Cindy, “I wonder if I said enough? Should I have told him to take ‘no’ for an answer and to stop selling so hard?”

Cindy said, “I think you said enough… I think he got it.”

My first sober, outdoor concert was fantastic.

Free, so it wasn’t flawless, but I enjoyed every bit. I was able to make my way to the bathroom, teetering on a tiered step like a Flying Wallenda, awake and cheerful and grateful.

I got home and, coincidentally, a newly sober friend of mine wrote to say she was going to a concert and finding the prospect difficult. So difficult, she didn’t even think she wanted to go…  Concerts, particularly outdoor concerts, are triggers for everybody. And it’s a shame. I told her that she was in charge of the situation – to go and enjoy herself. I said, “At least you don’t have to worry about your balance on the way to the porta-potty. At least you’ll remember what you hear.”

See how this peer recovery support works?

She said she went to an Elton John concert sober once. And the first song he sang was, “The bitch is back – stone cold sober as a matter of fact.” She says she laughed out loud… And that’s it in a nutshell – feeling alive and unfettered and happy at an outdoor summer concert. Really hearing the music. Laughing out loud…

The post Summer Concert Going – Drunk Vs. Sober first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.

We’re moving offices. I am sitting with stacked boxes, furniture with yellow dots and Halloween decorations  too big to package (don’t ask) waiting for the movers to arrive. It’s early, and I’ve been thinking about the positive aspects of change. Especially for those of us in recovery.

Cha cha cha changes…

Moving brings out the unique personality traits in people. There are those who hate change and the stoics who shrug, because they have done this before. In the past fifteen years, I have moved houses five times and coincidentally, work offices five times. I have downsized, stored, given away, lost and found a lifetime of possessions.

I love change, but as we began the office move, I thought about what I always think about – how does this thing I am doing impact my (and everybody else’s) recovery?

Curtail Change in Early Recovery?

Often we are told to curtail change in early recovery. “Don’t make any unnecessary decisions,” we are warned. And the ever popular, “Don’t even think about a new romance for a year.”

I understand it’s not wise to rescue a puppy in the wake of quitting your substance of choice. Because, learning and relearning self-care is most important to a person’s long term well-being. But, what about changing things up when the environment you have been in is toxic? Or filled with triggers? Or crowded with people who still use? I sold a house in The Bahamas immediately after getting sober and have not been back to the island in almost five years, because it felt dangerous to me then… It still does.

And as we tick off the months and years of our sobriety, we also gain knowledge of ourselves – what works to strengthen our recovery and what does not. We begin to feel confident in our choices. And we might even embrace change. I’ve come up with my list of those changes that are prudent to avoid and those to embrace in early recovery and beyond. Change it up!

Change to Avoid:

• Other than a goldfish (and even they require continuous care and die a lot) don’t be fooled into getting a new pet. Nuff said.
• Be careful of big relationship changes – don’t accept a marriage proposal smack out of treatment. Do not “fall in love” in rehab…
• Start small – job promotions that add to stress might be something to avoid. At least for a few months. Better to go back to a job part time than to create a situation where you are prone to unnecessary stressors.
• Temper social media outbursts (says the woman who started writing a blog six months into her sobriety) – announcing milestone sober dates on Twitter are okay as long as you stay sober – n’est-ce pas?
• Families push buttons. So, don’t volunteer to “do Thanksgiving” for the first time, when you are newly sober. In fact, have an exit strategy for any family get together.
• Avoid, when at all possible, the top twenty life stressors. The problem is, that things like substance use disorders and divorce (a sometimes unavoidable result of substance use) are on the list of stressors. My rule of thumb is – don’t court any big stressors. Also, be prepared for life’s foibles. They happen whether you are sober or not!

Change to Embrace…

• Recovery is the time to embrace any new-found passions you might have learned in treatment, AA meetings, group therapy or the school of hard knocks… Hike, sing in a choir, read to children at the library, write a book or a blog, and embrace the good change recovery brings.
• Change your way of looking at the world. There is great power in positive thinking!
• Move away from those situations that squeeze your emotional triggers. Moving is stressful, but a college student going back to an off-campus party house after treatment is a BAD idea. Better to pack up your things and MOVE if your environment is toxic to your recovery.
• You might not want to jump into a new romantic relationship, but one of the joys of newfound sobriety is forming lasting friendships.
• Change how you eat and how you take care of yourself.
• Change how you respond to your cravings or emotional triggers and rewire your brain! The best way to beat a “bad habit” is to respond differently to the cue, until it becomes second nature.
• And when it’s necessary, or outside of your control, try to take a deep breath and be open to change.

Change is Fun…

When you are open to change, the world gets bigger and life is more interesting. You experience more, meet new people and set the stage for a life full of, well, LIFE. After the long, rough road of addiction that sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it?

Real life, desensitized, in all its glory.

The post Is Change Good For Addiction Recovery? first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.

I was walking with someone new to recovery this week. My mother gave me a pink canister of pepper spray for Easter, so I feel safer early morning Grand Rapids. We start out at dawn and some of the back streets are dark.

Bitter Pill to Suck On…

There is a look people have when they first get sober. Contemplative, as if they are harkening back to the “good ole drinking days.” Or thinking long and hard about a life without the one thing that has fully occupied them for so long. In my case it was top-of-mind, an affectation like a walking stick or a smoking jacket that I wore for twenty years.

When you think about it, that’s a bitter pill to suck on. I actually had people ask me what I’d “be like” when I said I was going to quit drinking. As if my biting wit was going to go down the drain with the last of the booze in the cupboard.  As if wine was a part of my personality. And when I started writing this blog a couple of years ago, I couldn’t find a single photo of me without my usual prop – a wine glass spilling chard over the edge – and a hazy smile…

Empathy thy name is Mare…

If I were being honest, I’d have to say I have forgotten a lot of the edginess and unpredictability of early recovery. I am reminded daily, as I work at an Addiction Treatment Center, but I haven’t felt the desire to get drunk for a while. Nor have I had the punch-in-the-gut triggers I used to get at the weirdest times. A snippet of a song, an airport, a photo of the azure Bahamas, passing a familiar restaurant and reading the word “BAR” on the marque, a squirrel running into the road in front of my car. Bam! Drink! I can TASTE it! Who would know?

Kindness and a bit of superstition

As many times as I hear it and understand the positive spin, I do not buy the statement “you are not your addiction.” So much of what I am now is because of my addiction. In spite of my alcoholism. I am a totally different person now – a better person. And as much as I crow about my paucity of emotional triggers, I am a bit superstitious of those out-of-the-blue cravings I used to get… I kind of am my addiction – in a good way, if that makes sense…

So, to answer my own question, feeling “with” someone does not require active sensation. It does not demand that I crave alcohol. It only requires kindness and the ability to remember enough about how it felt to be new to sobriety, to understand its unique demands.

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I’ve spent a lot of time in The Bahamas and Russia. Florida and Michigan. All of those places seem to be fueled by alcohol. I have been drunk in all of them and watched others be drunk too. In tiki-huts on the Exuma Sound, in a gondola on a St Petersburg canal (with a brown paper bag…). At Irish/Polish funerals in Flint and with art guys on Miami lanais. I got sober in Florida. I am living in Michigan now as a person in long term recovery. All of these experiences have made me curious yellow (but watch out where the huskies go…), to answer the burning question that’s been on my mind lately. Is it easier to be sober in a warm or cold climate?

It’s Tough ANYWHERE…

This morning when I got up and looked out at all the white, I couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to sit in front of a fire and get quietly pie-eyed with a bottle of red wine (or three). The photograph above is not a screen shot from the movie Fargo. Or a black and white pic. It was taken by my intern Monica when I sent her out to get “happy shots of snow”. Sometimes the cold weather is just colorless and melancholy. And there’s a certain beauty…

The best way to sum up what it feels like to be a drunk in a cold climate, is to recount the conversation I had with my Russian, gondola captain. We were in St Petersburg during the white nights and it was light and festive at 3 AM. I asked, “So what all happens during the white nights?”

He said, “Very happy. Make babies and get drunk.”

I said, “Okay. So what happens during the dark days then?” Assuming what goes up must come down…

He said, “Bad. We get drunk and kill ourselves…”

Notice the common denominator…

But in a Warm Climate…

I am heading to Florida tomorrow, and staying at George’s condo on the ocean. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I think about what it would be like to sit on his balcony and get quietly plastered with a bottle of white wine (or five). I’m being honest here. There is something a little missing without the wine – hot of cold, red or white. Yes, I know to play it forward… I’m crawling around on the floor looking for my teeth… I am waking with no memory in a strange bed…

The best way to describe drunkenness in a warm climate, is to reminisce about the pearls of wisdom spouted by my Bahamian boat captain. (What is it about being on the water? In a boat?)

He used to say (apropos of nothing), “Shake it like a bowl of soup girl! It’s all good. Tings’ happen.” This, while opening another bottle of Marilyn Merlot and popping a jalapeno stuffed olive. Looking out to a horizon so spare and azure, you could see the arc of the earth…

It’s all about the motivation…

Excuses, Excuses…

Happy. Sad. Cold. Warm. Vacation. A hard day’s work. Party. Funeral. Excuses, excuses – no wonder 1 in 10 people have a drinking problem. No wonder the relapse rate is so high. No wonder I think about it when the sky turns white. Or when the sky is blue as a robin’s egg.

No need to move my friends. It moves with you. The momentary yen. The memories like tea candles in a mud puddle.

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I woke up this morning feeling like myself. I’ve been tired the last few days. Feeling “like myself”means my eyes spring open at 4:30 AM with an idea like a LED projector light over my head. This morning it was, sit up zombie style (I can go flat to sitting, rolling up vertebrae by vertebrae – Pilates mate…). With the words, “The It’s Better Than Drinking Addictions” on my brain.

Filling a basic need…

I was thinking about how people allow themselves a bag of doughnuts or a toke of cannabis, because “it’s better than drinking.”  And yet those yens come from the same basic, addictive need. Hollow? It’s easy to fill the empty spaces with ill-advised food, sex, pot.  You might smell like cooking grease or mango Kush, but at least you’re not going to make a scene at the family Christmas feast, right? RIGHT?

Anyway, I was all fired up to get to work super-early and get my ideas down before everyone else came in. But when I went out to get in my car, I remembered two feet of snow had fallen.  I walked to work yesterday to experience the winter firmament. And the snow plow came through my parking lot while I was a’ wandering… My pretty car was buried, with a three foot wall of ice behind the bumper.

I got in and started the engine. Remembering that I read somewhere, if the exhaust pipe was filled with snow, I would be asphyxiated and die. And then I got out with my $8.99 scraper and began to unearth my car. I guess the plows come out at 6, because a cowboy with a truck, plow and spotlights arrived like it was a race with prizes. He tilled the parking lot at 60 MPH, spraying an additional foot of snow onto my bumper. (And tale pipe!)

When your snippiness goes unnoticed…

So I am the only person out there, with my hands raised in an “are you kidding me?” gesture. Knee deep in snow and unrequited brilliant ideas, and he ignores me. Back and forth three times at breakneck speed. Looking straight ahead like he’s not burying a woman alive… What was I supposed to do? Jump in front of the plow? Dressed in black? He’d cut me in two with a snippy look on my dead face…

When he spun a yo out of the drive and onto another unsuspecting parking lot, I used my boots, mittens and scraper to dig myself out.  I am glad I was not hung-over. When I got to work I poured myself the first of what will be ten cups of coffee. Maybe someone will bring in coffee cake or doughnuts. I had a tough morning. I’ve got an article to write.  And java and crullers, are better than drinking…

Seriously?

The post A Snowplow and the “It’s Better Than Drinking” Addictions… first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.