I just read an article by William White about the difference between Relapse Prevention (RP) and Recovery Management (RM). In a nut shell, he opines that one focuses on “deficits and vulnerabilities” and the other on “assets”. RP implies we are running from monsters (waking up the ghost?). RM suggests we are “being positively drawn toward something of great value of one’s own choosing.”

The four-year experiment…

It came at a perfect time. Because, I was reflecting on the Thanksgiving weekend and my own, four-year psychosocial experiment in sobriety. And I was feeling pretty full of myself this morning. In fact, for the first time in four years, I actually broke my typical cycle. I think I have begun to trick my own brain!

Let me explain.

My son Jonathan and his girlfriend Kallie were visiting. And it was a fantastic weekend of family, hikes, great food and conversation. Even the Up North winter cooperated with unseasonable warmth (other than the 25 mph winds off Lake Michigan).

Jonathan asked me if it was still difficult for me to be with people who were drinking. He wanted to know if I still craved wine – if it was still an “issue for me”. (This asked while he sipped a Coppola Cabernet…) I answered truthfully, that I never thought about drinking anymore. It took a long while, but I have not had that out-of-nowhere, punch in the gut desire to DRINK! in about a year…

What I have done, is replace my addiction to wine with candy, coffee and food. And exercise. Hiking in the Michigan wilds has been a staple of my recovery, and I talk about it all the time. But, so has anesthetizing myself with the fast food equivalent of white wine shooters in the glove-box. That, I don’t talk about much…

Cultivating wellness…

Yesterday, Jonathan and Kallie left at 4 AM. I experienced the usual feelings one feels – tired, a bit lonely, a touch of anticlimax. And I also experienced the feelings that plague the person with a substance use disorder. That empty, bleak, icky feeling that used to send me to bed with a jumbo bottle of chardonnay and a party bag of M&Ms.

I have to admit, when I got home I felt the momentary desire to eat up the frayed remains on the charcuterie plate. And I wanted to scrounge for anything containing Karo syrup. Stuffing my mouth with processed, sugary foods has been my go-to panacea to fill the void since I quit drinking.

But after a nap and a cup or two of coffee, I had the out-of-nowhere, punch in the gut desire to go for a walk. It was a beautiful, sunny day. And I had no desire to hole-up and eat. The feeling was so shocking, I didn’t quite know how to handle it. I even opened the refrigerator and looked inside to test myself. Rattled the Skinny Pop bag because I am a glutton for punishment. Nothing. 

Talk about being drawn to something of great value of one’s own choosing…

Learning positive reinforcement…

The only explanation I have is that after four years of sobriety and two years of actively trying to rewire my brain – it is working! When I had the moment to fill an empty day, I chose the positive reinforcement of a walk.

Recovery is so much more than just not drinking. So much more than looking over one’s shoulder for the next relapse. It requires an overhaul of an entire life. And positive, healthy choices after the cravings for alcohol or other drugs dissipate.

Bill White says, “If recovery is more than the removal of alcohol and other drugs from an otherwise unchanged life, then the focus of recovery support interventions should shift from a strict RP focus (a process of problem subtraction) to an RM focus on achieving global health (a process of addition) and increasing one’s potential for a both personal fulfillment and social contribution (a process of multiplication). There is a difference between the prevention of illness and the promotion, achievement, and transcendence of wellness.” Relapse Prevention, Recovery Management, Recovery Transcendence – William White

I might not be at transcendence yet…

Full disclosure. I came home from the walk and ate a bag of Boom Chick a Boom caramel and sea salt popcorn. I also watched some smutty TV. But the difference is that I was not compelled to do so. And although I am a work in progress, my brain is rewiring in the right direction. The fact is, I like popcorn. Almost as much as the choice to walk along the lake on a cold, bright new day.

E2E – We always think of your well-being…

The post Alcohol Recovery Management or How to Trick Your Own Brain… first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.

No one has ever accused me of being too giddy. So, it is unlikely you will hear me tell you I love being sober without adding the “but”. I don’t know why I feel the need to do this. Waking Up the Ghost is a sobriety blog, after all. Why can’t I just post photos of me grinning on hilltops, crowing about the wonders of my “new life” and shut up about the dangerous things I keep locked in a shed in the back yard? The sharp objects I’ve collected are buried beneath a smelly tarp in a corner and may never see your light of day.

Selling the “unique fixer-upper” of sobriety…

It’s like selling a beautiful house. My daughter Lauren is a realtor, so I know what I’m talking about. You make sure your clients see the skylight and the Italianate garden, help them imagine themselves star gazing and pruning privets, and disclose those things that are wrong with the joint, in the best possible light.

You don’t say, “Oh, by the way, the owner’s shed will be cleaned out before you move in, but right now, under the deflated tent in the corner you will find a hatchet. And it looks like there’s blood on it…”

Right?

The 6 Things I Love (without a “but”) About Sobriety…

1.  Morning

I wake up. Stretch or yawn or do that Pilates “rollup” I can perform like a champ. I do not look at my phone with dread, run a tongue over my teeth to make sure they are intact or wonder if I am alone. And I do not look for blood on the sheets. The previous night comes back, without a trace of fear or confusion.

2. Which Brings Me to Memory

My children used to say, “Mom! Remember?” in the most pointed way. They would be talking about a conversation we’d had or something I had promised or a milestone that was important to them. And I never remembered anything. So I’d fake it. Like some carnival fortune teller, I’d watch their faces for a sign I was on the right track. I remember everything now and my brain is bigger and better than ever.

3. Which Brings Me to Truth

A wise person once said, “No one is smart enough to lie.” Alcohol makes pathological liars of us all. We lie to protect our addiction and to cover our bad behavior. We lie to explain our lies. And because we operate on “addled” most of the time, we forget what we lied about in the first place. It is difficult to explain the half-filled wine bottle tucked in the deep pocket of a winter coat. Especially when you don’t remember hiding it there…

4. Good Health

There is great joy in realizing that some of the unhealthiness I experienced in past, was the result of being continuously, legally impaired.  These days, I have ZERO hangovers, panic attacks, heart palpitations, weird auras or queasiness. I have an appetite. I have timely bodily functions (if you get my drift). Yay.

5. Hair, Nails, Eyes

If you don’t believe me, that sobriety makes you more attractive, go back and look at photos of yourself when you were drunk.

6. Making Decisions like an ADULT

Most of my old drinking stories began with the words, “I ended up…” as if I were blown in on some ill wind, not responsible for my actions. The devil made me do it.  I couldn’t  help myself. And the ever popular, OOOPS, my bad? And because I did not take responsibility for my actions, I was also unrepentant. Not a good combination. Now that I’ve been sober a while, my actions are more deliberate. I probably won’t be the one dancing on a table, but if I am, it will be done with aforethought. Afterwards I will be appropriately responsible (and embarrassed).

See? No “buts” about it. I don’t even feel like sneaking in a caveat or a postscript.  I’ll end here and just say to you, what I said at the end of my group session on Friday:

“Sober is an excellent way to be. I highly recommend it.”

The post No “Buts” About It – The 6 Things I Love About Sobriety first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.

I saw the movie “The Girl on the Train” twice last week. I had read the book – it was a gift from my dear friend Nick, who is not alive anymore to give me gifts, so it has special meaning. Special meaning too, as the main character is a female alcoholic. It would be simplistic to say the movie is a murder mystery. Although, there is a murder and a surprise ending, I suppose. I think of it as more of a coming of age story. An alcoholic who has lost everything – home, husband, looks, job, self respect – begins to find herself again.

I Relate to the Resiliency…

There is a marvelous scene, where Rachel, the main character who is resisting drinking, has a tumbler of vodka thrown in her face. It goes into her eyes, nose, presumably mouth and I could actually feel it. Taste it. She is able to sputter strong words through the scrim of alcohol, however. And it is a turning point in the action. There is so much I want to say about this movie. I am writing a proper review. But the main thing I want to say today, is that I relate to the battered, resilience of this character.

For the uninitiated, it may seem unlikely that a frail woman could get punched, thrown, bashed in the head (a few times) and choked and keep coming back for more. But that’s what alcoholics do. There is a blackout scene in the movie where Rachel wakes, covered in blood.  She surveys her room, her grave digger’s hands, the spot of gore on her phone, her underwear in a wad and you see her mind turning. What happened? Oh God what did I do? She grabs for her phone to get a clue and goes into the bathroom to clean up the damage to her head. She says the thing every alcoholic says the morning after, “Oh no.”

Who Needs an Emergency Room?

If you do the math, you realize this woman had some sort of horrible accident and somehow, made her way home. In a complete blackout. Under the obviously dire circumstances, most people would have gone to the emergency room…

That scene brought back the worst kind of memories of the time I crashed my golf cart on Staniel Cay. I was drunk, leaving the Yacht Club at closing time, and my golf cart was fast. One of the guys had jerry-rigged the speed controller and it did not slow down on hills. I was tearing around a corner on the darkest part of the island and lost control. The cart flipped into the mangroves. I flew into the ditch. My shin and forehead hit golf cart metal on the way out. The glass of wine in the cup holder spit into my face. I was wearing my favorite Pucci slides (sweet multi-color kitten heals) and they were jettisoned into the swamp. Forever gone.

No phone. I lived on a deserted ridge. There was no one to help me. But I did not really want help. I remember that part. I crawled out of the ooze like something created by Dr. Frankenstein and walked home barefoot over sharp gravel. In the morning I woke with blood and stones on the white sheets. My shin and forehead had matching hematomas the size of golf balls. My feet were torn apart and my hair was stiff with dried wine. Lovely. I had only a vague recollection of what had happened.

Loose Limbed or Low Expectations?

Oh no. I went to the window to look out and my golf cart was sitting in the driveway. I had a moment where I thought Maybe I dreamed it… but then I looked at my feet, trailing blood and saw the front end of the  cart was smashed. There were jaunty sprouts of mangrove branches sticking out like waving arms. One of the guys had towed it up the hill…

How do we alcoholics survive these catastrophes? Are we so loose limbed that we don’t stiffen at impact? Are we so anesthetized we do not feel the pain? Or is it, that addiction makes us so powerless we do not expect any better? We plod along with our injuries and our slights as if it is our mantle: a KICK ME sign we wear.

In “The Girl on the Train” Rachel is sober in the end. She looks out a different train window, at a different landscape and says, “I am not the girl I used to be.” But she rests her head on the glass in the same way. She is still alone. There are scars. I can relate to her battered resilience…

The post The Remarkable, Rubberlike Resilience of the Alcoholic first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.

So, I’m beachside in this tiki bar and a huge tumbler of chardonnay goes by; the waiter can barely carry it. The thing is so big and heavy, the liquid shifts side to side in his hand like waves –  coming just to the top of the frosted glass without spilling. Kim sees it too, and gives me a look. The waiter carries it to a table by the railing and I lean out to see who the recipient of this bounty might be. It’s a handsome man, sitting alone and he reaches up to grab the glass with both hands.

I’ll admit my salivary glands have kicked in, like someone rang a bell…

Self Help…

The wine looks really good to me. Ice cold. My brain registers the memory of the taste. I think to myself, “These are the times that try men’s souls,” and I smile because after that thought, a barrage of self-help inspirations start playing in my mind…

Tito is busy telling a story. He’s saying that Puerto Rican men have a saying, “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” I’m listening, because Tito is funny and the story is sure to include a tale of his wrongdoing – it will involve the drinking of  rum, late staying and a salsa dance with a stranger in a red dress…

But I am also processing. It’s what addiction professionals call “your sobriety toolkit”. Mine is opened on the splintered, choza floor and I am digging through it like a plumber with a water spout or to use a “beachy” metaphor, a sailor with a hole in the hull – you get the picture. Mayday. SOS.

The thoughts start coming in unbidden:

• There’s no way you can drink wine in front of these two, so what’s the point of thinking about it? Listen to the funny story, Mare…
• It’s super hot outside and the cold wine will warm fast and taste like vinegar
• And you’ll get sleepy
• And headachy
• I play it through to the inevitable conclusion: do I need to list the consequences?
• And then, I play the scenario through to the positive end.

It all happens in a nanosecond. What a world, what a piece of work is my brain…

This is what the women in my group sessions are talking about. The times when they ask for practical advice to prepare for something they know might be hard on their sobriety: a graduation or a wedding or a vacation in Puerto Rico with tiki bars serving giant flagons of white wine on every vantage point on the beach.

We all need our personalized, sobriety toolkits. I take a swig of my ice cold, gassy water and look out to the vastness of the sea. It is hot and wet and we are all laughing – almost carefree. I don’t say it, because Tito is still waxing, his accent like a song, but I think it, “Life is good. Really good, and after all I’ve been through, it’s easier for me to ask for permission. I have exhausted the asking of forgiveness…”

.

The post So I’m Beachside in This Tiki Bar… first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.