I’ve spent a lot of time in The Bahamas and Russia. Florida and Michigan. All of those places seem to be fueled by alcohol. I have been drunk in all of them and watched others be drunk too. In tiki-huts on the Exuma Sound, in a gondola on a St Petersburg canal (with a brown paper bag…). At Irish/Polish funerals in Flint and with art guys on Miami lanais. I got sober in Florida. I am living in Michigan now as a person in long term recovery. All of these experiences have made me curious yellow (but watch out where the huskies go…), to answer the burning question that’s been on my mind lately. Is it easier to be sober in a warm or cold climate?

It’s Tough ANYWHERE…

This morning when I got up and looked out at all the white, I couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to sit in front of a fire and get quietly pie-eyed with a bottle of red wine (or three). The photograph above is not a screen shot from the movie Fargo. Or a black and white pic. It was taken by my intern Monica when I sent her out to get “happy shots of snow”. Sometimes the cold weather is just colorless and melancholy. And there’s a certain beauty…

The best way to sum up what it feels like to be a drunk in a cold climate, is to recount the conversation I had with my Russian, gondola captain. We were in St Petersburg during the white nights and it was light and festive at 3 AM. I asked, “So what all happens during the white nights?”

He said, “Very happy. Make babies and get drunk.”

I said, “Okay. So what happens during the dark days then?” Assuming what goes up must come down…

He said, “Bad. We get drunk and kill ourselves…”

Notice the common denominator…

But in a Warm Climate…

I am heading to Florida tomorrow, and staying at George’s condo on the ocean. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I think about what it would be like to sit on his balcony and get quietly plastered with a bottle of white wine (or five). I’m being honest here. There is something a little missing without the wine – hot of cold, red or white. Yes, I know to play it forward… I’m crawling around on the floor looking for my teeth… I am waking with no memory in a strange bed…

The best way to describe drunkenness in a warm climate, is to reminisce about the pearls of wisdom spouted by my Bahamian boat captain. (What is it about being on the water? In a boat?)

He used to say (apropos of nothing), “Shake it like a bowl of soup girl! It’s all good. Tings’ happen.” This, while opening another bottle of Marilyn Merlot and popping a jalapeno stuffed olive. Looking out to a horizon so spare and azure, you could see the arc of the earth…

It’s all about the motivation…

Excuses, Excuses…

Happy. Sad. Cold. Warm. Vacation. A hard day’s work. Party. Funeral. Excuses, excuses – no wonder 1 in 10 people have a drinking problem. No wonder the relapse rate is so high. No wonder I think about it when the sky turns white. Or when the sky is blue as a robin’s egg.

No need to move my friends. It moves with you. The momentary yen. The memories like tea candles in a mud puddle.

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Winds in the east, mist coming in,  Like somethin’ is brewin’ and bout to begin.  Can’t put me finger on what lies in store,  But I fear what’s to happen all happened before… 

I don’t actually have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I have some version of old fashioned melancholia, I think. The exquisite, nostalgia of autumn in a northern clime is something I had forgotten. I am in Michigan for the whole shebang this year: the leaves on the cusp of crimson, the hint of what is to come… And I love this season, but it makes me feel kind of sentimental and sad.

Even mums make me tear up… All photos by Claire O’Brien

But in a good way…

The smell of a cider mill, pumpkins stacked like river rocks, apples ripening in gnarled orchards, even bales of hay give me this weird yen. Like something is going to happen or maybe something should happen. I feel like Bert in the musical Mary Poppins, singing longingly about “what lies in store”.  That song is the closest thing I can think of, to how I feel. Hopefully some snooty nanny in witch boots and a hacking jacket won’t drop from my ceiling.  It’s not Buckingham Palace. Still it’s clean…

Does anyone else feel this way? Not that a nanny will fall out of the sky and do the white glove test on your coffee table, but the feeling there is something missing…

In the old days, did anyone else “fix” this feeling with an enormous mug of hot, mulled wine?

What Is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD is a type of depressive disorder, where mood and behavior changes with the seasons, usually at the onset of winter. SAD can present a challenge to recovery.

The symptoms of SAD are:

•  A drop in energy level
•  Depression
•  Isolation
•  Anxiety
• Lack of interest in activities and
• Weight gain.

A few of my least favorite things (to mix old musical metaphors)… And all them used to have me reaching for a bottle of chardonnay for a quick remedy.

SAD is actually quite common. Between 4% and 6% of people in the United States suffer from SAD. Another 10% to 20% may experience a mild form of winter-onset SAD.  The symptoms are more common in women than in men. More common in the colder months, although some folks feel sad at the coming of summer. And interestingly enough, SAD is an adult condition. It usually doesn’t start in people younger than 20 years of age.

And perhaps that explains things…

The feelings I am feeling are born of a long life of experience. A few regrets. When I asked friends about this melancholy feeling, they said the fall made them think of “change”. They referred to children growing up, thoughts of their college days and the harbinger of winter. I am reminded of shuffled leaves in the yard in Darien, graveyard hunting in Scotland and my children (young then) in their Halloween costumes…

Sigh… I am going hiking this weekend. Up North where the leaves are changing and the wind is biting in the morning. I recommend getting outside if you’re feeling like I’m feeling. Fresh air. Exercise. The smell of logs on a fire. Hot mulled cider….

The post Sigh – As Autumn Leaves Fall I’m SAD… first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.