I heard from another long lost friend this week. Whenever someone from my past contacts me they say, “You just popped up on my computer.”  As if my details appear randomly in their ad column on Facebook. (Like the pair of suede boots you were checking out on Zappos that materialize in your feed for weeks after you decided the boots you have are fine.)

They go on to profess undying love (I found you) or genuine interest in what I am doing or in at least one case (well, maybe a few cases), how much they hated me in my past life.

Admit it, you Googled me…

My guess is, these visitations from the past were just sitting around one day, bored and Googled “Marilyn Spiller”. Why not say that? After all, if you search for me, the grizzly details of my alcoholism and recovery are there for all to see. The particulars of my divorce settlement and the houses I lived in are buried in the history… a treasure trove of details. I am a dog-eared, open book.

Anyway, this person wrote to me, “I spent much of Sunday evening reading your blog, and your interview and watching your video.  Could not sleep that night.  It actually triggered all sorts of contemplation.  Took me until tonight to write.  I was so taken aback by all…I feel like I should offer some words of wisdom or gestures of help or something else vague and awkward.  Anyway, I am so glad to know you are fine and living the reality of Michigan and all that brings to one’s life and soul.”

Does that sound like pity to you? Or am I being overly sensitive? I mean the guy can feel what he feels, right?  I just never thought about it before – but, I bet there are folks out there who knew me before, who feel sorry for me now. What a horrible notion.

I’ll be honest, I’d prefer you hate me than pity me.

Don’t do that…

Please don’t feel sorry for me and here’s why:

• I really was kind of a douche in my drinking days. I am a much nicer person now.
• I hurt myself a lot and fell down and made a fool of myself when I was drinking. I am careful where I sit, sleep and walk these days.
• If you’re sorry addiction happened to me, it could have been worse. A lot of people suffer more than I ever did. I didn’t kill anyone – I did not go to jail.
•  I lost some things. I have the love of many people (that former nanny still despises me, but she left in the middle of the night with my leather bomber jacket, and she was a crappy babysitter, so I don’t really care…). I am getting back all the things I need and more.
• My brain is better than ever.
• My hair is better than ever…
• After flittering around The Bahamas for 8 wasteful years (and a few years before and after), I am gainfully employed in a job I love.
• And speaking of The Bahamas, there were plenty of good times before the fall…
• I am in great physical shape.
• I have found a calling.
• I enjoy my sobriety and my life.
• After plumbing the root cause of our collective addiction, people in recovery are the strongest, most introspective and honest people on the planet – I am proud to be among that group.
• I am happy.
• I write a blog, so I always get the last word..

It’s nice to get a blast from the past, I guess…

But, I’m not really into harkening back. I have rekindled some great relationships with my childhood friends, now that I’m back in Michigan, and a few of my college pals – but that’s different. I have met some amazing people from this blog, but they understand the journey.

There are some things best left in the past. Because I’ve been through a lot and I don’t want to have to explain. Or justify. Or give a second thought to whether you pity me or not. I certainly don’t want anyone to lose sleep over me. And there is no joy in considering a reconciliation or the rebirth of romance. Been there. Done that. “To know them is to be disappointed,” to quote you…

It’s like cleaning a closet. If you haven’t worn that Moschino jacket  for ten years, it’s unlikely you’ll wear it again, even though you paid a lot for it. Best to give it away. Or throw it away…

E2E – Be careful where you sit, sleep and walk. Wish we were there to take care of you…

The post Why do I get the impression you pity me? first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.

I’m not finished with 2016 yet. I feel the need to recap or amalgamate or conclude. So many positive things happened this year (last year?) and I don’t feel like I’ve been properly grateful. Because it’s not like I am thankful every day for the resurrection I have experienced. I’ve been kind of busy. And the truth is, I am not the kind of person who goes on “gratitude walks”. Or wakes to say, “Gosh I am happy for this pillow. For that tinkling iPhone alarm. I am thrilled for the coffee I pour down my gullet, the warm boots, the car scraper….”

Is anyone thankful every day?

Other than a priest or a yoga teacher? I have decided that in 2017 I am going to start making schedules for everything outside of work. Extra-curricular writing on Wednesdays and Fridays, the Y on Tuesdays and Thursdays, full-on thankfulness on Mondays. That way I won’t sit up in bed every day with this urgent need to figure out the best/first thing to do when there are so many options. Or chastise myself for being resentful or snippy or an ingrate. (You’d self medicate too if you lived in my head…)

I know about the power of positive thinking and I am an upbeat individual for the most part. But I am sure I would benefit from a daily rosary instead of a catch as catch can, nothing else to do while I’m driving, rosary… That will go on my 2017 schedule as well. (I’m feeling anxious and overworked already… )

I guess the point is, even though I didn’t think about it every day, I am profoundly thankful for 2016. For everything wonderful that happened to me as I reinvent myself as a sober person. (Wow, three years into this sobriety thing I am actually thinking of myself as a “sober person”).

I Am Thankful For (in no particular order):

• A great job and the Green family
• My sobriety
• This body – that after all I have put it through remains strong and able
• The three flights of stairs I walk up to work and home (cardio vascular endurance mate…)
• My apartment – a quiet place to recharge…
• That new car (a story for another time)
• Experiencing a Michigan autumn again!
• Always and every day, thankful for my kids, but now I am so happy they have meaningful relationships and employment
• Kallie and John
• Kim and Claudio (he’s also in the category of “guys with second homes”)
• Dee’s one-liner words of wisdom that I always hear…
• Traveling to awesome places this year: Puerto Rico, Up North. Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Chicago, Palm Beach!!
• The reconnection with Flint, my mother and Anne, Carrie and Jackie (and of course Ross)
• My Wednesday morning walking buddies…
• Guys with second homes – you know who you are…
• Insanely good health (knocking Formica now…)
• The uber-brain in my head
• Hiking
• My young friends Ellie and Evie
• My amazing history…
• That charming ability to string words together with some skill
•  George’s sage advice and friendship
• My outings with Cindy
• The readers of this blog who help me as much as I help them
• Donald Trump (just kidding…)
• My sobriety
• The 2016 holiday season, when I saw or spoke or emailed all my loved ones including my ex-husband… (except Val but she’s somewhere super cool at her fiancé’s “olive farm” in Spain …)

Okay. Now I’m finished with 2016. Ready for the best year EVER. Happy NEW YEAR 2017!!!

The post Is Anyone Grateful EVERY Day? Can I Get a Recap? first appeared on Waking Up The Ghost - Alcohol Recovery.