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The Personal Wine Cooler – Is Booze in the Closet Ever a Good Idea?

The Personal Wine Cooler – Is Booze in the Closet Ever a Good Idea?

The Personal Wine Cooler – Is Booze in the Closet Ever a Good Idea?

I spent a lot of the first year after I got divorced in the closet. For some reason, it felt safe for me to sit on the floor of my walk-in with a bottle of plonk and get quietly drunk, while inventorying my shoes.

It’s funny, but I’ve heard a number of women in recovery say…

…they drank in their closets. And of course, a large, stocked closet is the perfect place to hide wine bottles. Inside my boots as makeshift boot trees, in the long pockets of winter coats and on shelves behind blazers, were my favorite hiding places. And I usually had an old glass of wine or three on various shelves. I remember how awful they looked: smeared with lipstick, congealed at the bottom and catching debris like amber.

 

There wasn’t a refrigerator in my bedroom. I had to walk down the hall to get a refill. I suppose that’s why I hid wine in my mukluks. It was too much trouble to keep my bottomless glass full the old fashioned way. I took to bringing a bowl of ice into the closet.  And I don’t remember reading or talking on the phone. I’m pretty sure I just sat there…

Wine Coolers in Closets!

Anyway, I got a message from Tall Girl last week. She is always good for clever, insightful repartee. The message said, “Thought of you, reading an article on designing closets, one suggestion is a personal wine refrigerator: ‘spirits stored in the master closet reflect personal taste’. Talk about lipstick on a pig! A nice 90 proof, chilled vodka to take the morning edge off, while dressing for the day…”

 

And, per usual, Tall Girl made me think. Is it ever a good idea to have booze in your closet? First of all, the hoity toity term “spirits” makes it sound like you need a livered servant in the master closet. Second, unless you’re an alcoholic who doesn’t want to walk all the way to the kitchen, why would you need a wine cooler in the master closet? Are closet designers trying to evoke a sense of romance? As if you would bring someone into the bedroom and mid-assignation, excuse yourself. Emerging from the closet with a knowing grin and two glasses of “spirits” from your secret stash…

 

The apex of snooty-pootyness… and where’s the glasses, the paraphernalia?

 

It’s the Worst Kind of Pandering…

And why would booze among your shoes “reflect personal taste”? We are supposed to think the bedroom guest would be wowed by this suave gesture. Or that the master closet owner(s) would enjoy an impromptu splash of Chateau Lafite while dressing for work. Or before they brush their teeth at night. And keeping spirits in the closet means keeping hardware and china in the closet – a bar of sorts.  It’s ridiculous. The worst kind of pandering to those who think sophistication means being ten feet away from alcohol at all times.

 

Maybe this hits too close to home. My time with a jury-rigged bar in the closet reflected my “personal taste”, but there was nothing romantic or sophisticated about it. And once you associate drinking in the master closet with not being able to stop drinking in the closet, it takes the guild off that particular daydream…

 

Today I’m not drinking because I don’t have a snooty-patooty wine cooler in my master closet (reflecting my personal taste).

How come you’re not drinking?

 

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