Enter your keyword

I Who Have Nothing (Oh, Get Over Yourself)…

I Who Have Nothing (Oh, Get Over Yourself)…

I Who Have Nothing (Oh, Get Over Yourself)…

I’m hung over. It was my birthday yesterday and the darling people I work with brought cupcakes. There were four left, in the baker’s box, for me to take home last night. I won’t disgust you with the details… The sugar settled in my joints and eyelids, and when I got up this morning, I felt puffy and achy.  And I was in a big hurry to get back on track. I made a pot of coffee and plugged my phone into the wall. I have an APP with some Pilates tapes I like to do to punish myself.

 

NOTHING I TELL YOU!

Don’t ask me why I used the plug  nearest a Chinese wedding box (made of hand painted rice paper) and a cream silk chair, but I did.  I scurried about tidying things while the phone charged. (The best way to negate a sugar relapse, is to vacuum at 5 AM.) Why can’t I eat a bloody cupcake? One cupcake like a normal human being?

 

I powerwalked over to the phone with a full coffee cup in my hand, ready to do the Pilates 100. When I yanked the chord, I teetered backwards and the entire cup of hot, brown, liquid spattered the chair. Catastrophically. I screamed an uninhibited, NO!!!” As if my toddler had crawled through a fence and fallen into a gorilla’s cage. But then I remembered I live in an apartment. And even though its pretty soundproof, I can hear my neighbor’s dog bark when I don’t have the TV on.

 

marilyns-box

Note to self. This is no place to RUN with a full cup of coffee…

 

Poor Little Me

So I toned it down and whimpered, “I have so little.” Sniff, sniff. I upped the poignancy with, “I have nothing. Nothing…” I got out the Perrier and a white bath towel and did my best to fix the problem.  In the old days, I would have had my first glass of wine for the day and thrown a dish rag over the mess. In fact, “throwing a dishrag over the mess” is a great way of describing how I used to handle everything from relationships to car crashes…

 

Here’s the question: does the above photo look like the apartment of someone with nothing? There’s a live orchid for God’s sake. Artwork. Thirty foot ceilings and Perrier in the refrigerator. But what is the first thing I thought of when my pretty chair was besmirched? Poor little alcoholic me, with nothing. Now, even my chair is ruined…”

 

 It’s my DISEASE…

I think this is why I have a problem with the disease aspect of  alcoholism. On some level it seems like a cop out. I think about those people in AA meetings (come on, we’ve all seen them) who slump in chairs and talk about the fact they couldn’t help themselves – it was their disease. It makes me wonder where all the ex-alcoholic winners are keeping themselves. And why do I still fall back on woe-is-me-ism, when I should ease up and myself and remember how far I’ve come?

 

I don’t mean to be snide just because I ate five cupcakes. I actually feel very solid at this milestone. But for this birthday wish (minus any more cake), I want to train my brain to think the way I used to think when I was a prideful boozer (minus the hubris and white wine): Mistakes happen and people eat too much cake on their birthday.

 

And I have A LOT more of what counts now, than I did in the old, drinking days.

 

Marilyn, get over yourself.

 

Today I’m not drinking because I probably have to stop on the way home and get upholstery cleaner and deal with the chair I tried to ruin this morning.

marilynsblackandwhite

The noir version of the story…

 

How come you’re not drinking?

 

Comments (7)

  1. Linda
    Nov 4, 2016

    WOW! I can so relate to the “why can’t I…” and “poor me”. Thanks for making me feel better 🙂 Really want to getn past this sugar “thing” expecially since it’s been two and a half years…ugh!

    • Marilyn
      Marilyn
      Nov 4, 2016

      Amen.
      XXXOOO
      M

    • Marilyn
      Marilyn
      Nov 8, 2016

      Same. For me it’s been three. And my response is very like it used to be with wine, so I should treat it like an addiction and go cold turkey. I’m glad I made you feel better, though…
      XXXOOO
      M

  2. Kim
    Nov 4, 2016

    I love this post and I remain in awe of your ability to be brutally honest .

    I recommend Oxy Clean got Upolstry

    • Marilyn
      Marilyn
      Nov 8, 2016

      You like it when I get snarky… I am buying Oxy-Clean because there is a brown ring where I dumped Perrier on the problem…
      Love,
      Mare

  3. Annie Ope r
    Nov 5, 2016

    Just be glad it wasn’t 5 bottles of wine you put in your mouth. 🙂 And even your ‘binges’ now are in moderation – It was your birthday for heaven’s sake! Love you,
    P.S. You are very brave to live with cream furniture! It had to get broken in at some point.

    • Marilyn
      Marilyn
      Nov 8, 2016

      That’s a very good point. And red wine is less forgiving than coffee. I just need to slooooooooooooow down.
      Love,
      M

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.