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If I Could Do it All Over Again…

If I Could Do it All Over Again…

sailboat

 

This sturm und drang does not suit me well.  I am weary of being weary of the weather.  You see how capricious I am?  I can’t even drum up a proper depression without getting bored…drunk1

 

I got a letter from a reader yesterday asking the question:  If you could do it all over again would you drink?

What a wonderful, thought provoking question.

This is what I answered:

I really do try not to look back at what I could have done (it always ends in tears).  In answer to your question, if I could wave a magic wand, I suppose I would have quit drinking (or seriously moderated my drinking) about twelve years ago, at the time of my divorce.  That is when it got out of control.  I would have listened to people’s advice.  I would have turned over the handling of my money and the day to day administration of my life to someone who did not have my learning disabilities.

But I DID NOT and who really knows what would have happened if I did?  The world is full of minefields, as you well know.  Remember the Beltway Sniper? Bernie Madoff?  Hurricane Katrina?  The bear in the bushes at my Jacksonville Beach condominium?

And if I had done that, I would have to erase the experiences I had in the Bahamas, because NO ONE with any sense would have let me go there…

*****

You are thinking, “You could have gone to the Bahamas with moderation.  You could have been in the Bahamas without buying a house or a boat or drinking every day.”  But if I hadn’t been drinking I would NEVER have been dating Kirk, and if I hadn’t dated Kirk I wouldn’t have planned a trip to Staniel Cay to go fishing and if we hadn’t gone on that trip I would not have even known Blue Heaven was available and if I had not bought Blue Heaven I would not have…

…you see what happens when you try to change the past?

And besides, no one who lives a safe life ever writes a memoire worth reading…

Yes.  I would still have taken EVERY ONE of those drinks, because YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST.  And yes, I’m glad I quit.  And I will see what today brings and tomorrow – until the end of my days…

And on that last day (how’s that for sturm und drang?) when my life flashes in front of me I will undoubtedly see this and be grateful:

CIMG0053

 

Today I’m not drinking, because I am remembering fondly – the past…

How come you’re not drinking?

 

Comments (11)

  1. Tall Girl
    Jan 16, 2015

    How come you're not drinking?
    Because the past is just that
    For some reason, this brought me to tears today. It felt like a benediction. Thank you, Marilyn.

  2. George
    Jan 16, 2015

    Wow! One of your best M.

  3. Kim
    Jan 16, 2015

    My heart is in a bleeding puddle on the floor. This is a lyrical, tragic, honest , redemptive post. I’ll be crying all day.

    • Marilyn
      Marilyn
      Jan 16, 2015

      Please don’t. And there is a bit of humor too, don’t forget. I am happy to discover the truth about the past – that it cannot be changed. This is not lyrical I suppose… Don’t cry for me. I’m going to be okay.
      Love.
      M

  4. N
    Jan 16, 2015

    How come you're not drinking?
    I think I shall skip just one today
    Honesty, for the first time I can actually hear honesty. I think I never wanted to hear it before. I am thinking……and you are an amazing person.

  5. cole harden
    Jan 16, 2015

    How come you're not drinking?
    cause i feel better if i try to graciously accept
    love your posts

  6. N
    Jan 18, 2015

    How come you're not drinking?
    Group meeting with my kind of people
    Doc read this today. Love how he opens with ” I care about you and what can I do for each of you.” Told my story today. Can I introduce you to another in the group? This is Nan. Hello there. This meaningful message made me cry today. You are so right. Thank you for verbalizing thoughts I have had. Nice to meet you.

    • Marilyn
      Marilyn
      Jan 18, 2015

      I think you are my kind of people too… Hi – Great to hear from you N and nice to meet you Nan. So many people told me they cried from this post. And many said it was my best ever. I’m not quite sure why I struck a cord, but I’m glad I did. And N, you were the inspiration.
      xxxoooxxx
      M

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